


November 12th

by madzilla



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-26
Updated: 2010-12-26
Packaged: 2017-10-14 03:38:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/144921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madzilla/pseuds/madzilla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After an accident on Voyager, Janeway loses her short-term memory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	November 12th

**Author's Note:**

> This story is based on an episode of Enterprise called Twilight. The writer, Mike Sussman, originally intended to use the idea for an episode of Voyager, but it never happened – he describes his original idea, featuring Janeway and Chakotay, on the Star Trek: Alternate Realities boxset, and I decided to bring the Voyager-episode-that-never-was to life. This is the result.

Kathryn Janeway awoke suddenly as the ship shuddered and jolted beneath her. Stumbling out of bed, she scrambled around grabbing her uniform, and left for the bridge.

No sooner had the doors to her quarters opened than she found herself face to face with the business end of a phaser, wielded by Ensign Bennett.

She made to move around him, and he moved to block her path.

"What's the meaning of this, Ensign?" she demanded angrily.

"Ma'am," said the Ensign. "I'm sorry, but I'm under orders to make sure you stay here."

"Whose orders?" said Janeway, livid.

"The Captain's," said Bennett apologetically.

Janeway's mind spun. What had happened? Immediately she thought of Teero, and his control of the former Maquis on her crew. Could something similar have happened again? She thought quickly.

"Of course," she said demurely. "My apologies, Ensign."

She ducked back inside her quarters, heading straight for her dresser where she kept a phaser tucked away. She cursed as she realized it was gone.

Glancing around, her eyes alighted on her large, heavy bust of Da Vinci. She lifted it, weighing it in her hand, and made her decision.

Moments later, she stepped into the corridor over Bennett's unconscious body. She'd dealt him a glancing blow - enough to knock him out but certainly not to kill him. The Doctor would have him back on his feet in no time.

"Sorry, Ensign," she muttered as she headed for the bridge.

 

* * *

 

She arrived to find the bridge in total chaos. Cables hung from broken bulkheads; consoles fizzed and crackled, their plastic melted, and the main viewscreen was inactive. Chakotay stood in front of their command chairs, Tuvok by his side. She noticed immediately that Tuvok was wearing command red, but before she had time to question this, the viewscreen fizzled back into life, and her heart leaped into her throat.

They were travelling at impossible speed through a transwarp tunnel, and ahead of them she could see open space. The Alpha Quadrant. _Home._

"What the hell is going on?" she said, and Chakotay and Tuvok spun round to face her. Chakotay looked at her for a moment before turning back to the main viewscreen.

"Somebody take her back to her quarters," he said calmly. "Status report."

"Shields are at forty-five percent and holding," Harry reported. "No sign of - wait! Captain, I think you'd better see this."

Janeway made to step forward but a security officer clamped his hand around her upper arm.

"Let go of me," she hissed, but the guard ignored her, tugging her towards the turbolift. She looked round wildly, hoping that someone, anyone, would step forward and say something ... but Tuvok was now seated in the First Officer's chair, his fingers flying over the buttons on the shared console, and Chakotay had joined Harry at the Ops terminal. Janeway suddenly noticed the four pips on Chakotay's collar.

She opened her mouth to speak, to demand answers, but Tom Paris spoke first.

"Oh, my God," he said. "Look!"

The tone of his voice made everyone stop and look at the viewscreen. As they watched the horrifying scene unfold in front of them, Janeway finally shook off the Lieutenant's grip, which had gone slack in his shock. She walked numbly to the front of the bridge, staring in disbelief at the view.

At least fifty cubes had appeared, somehow moving through the walls of the tunnel as though they were made of water. Almost immediately Janeway saw the green beam of a Borg weapon as it fired, and Voyager rocked under the assault, a shower of sparks erupting from the shared command console behind her. Swinging on her heel, she saw Tuvok slump to the ground, falling from his chair.

"Tuvok!" she cried, and took a step towards him, but before she could reach him they were hit by another volley. Janeway flew across the bridge and fell, her head striking the railing.

The last thing she heard was Chakotay's voice.

"Turn back!"

 

* * *

 

Kathryn Janeway could see the daylight, even from behind her closed eyelids, and she scrunched up her eyes as the brightness forced her into wakefulness, stretching like a cat in the few moments before awareness hit.

She suddenly sat bolt upright. Daylight? That wasn’t right. There was no daylight on a starship.

Disoriented, she peered around, taking in her surroundings. She was in a small, but light bedroom, the covers and mattress much softer than her usual Starfleet sheets. The room was rather old-fashioned, with hand-made furniture and what looked like original art on the walls. She didn’t recognize any of the pieces. Out of the window, she could see a bright blue sky, with several thin, weedy plants growing up the window frame.

With a jolt, she realized that several of her belongings from Voyager were scattered around this room. Her bust of Da Vinci and her gramophone were on a high shelf, too high for her to reach, and her books were lined up neatly on a small bookcase.

Sliding off the edge of the bed, Kathryn grabbed a well-worn robe from the back of a carved chair. As she slipped it on, she jumped as the trailing ends of her hair fell forward.

She stared dumbly at the red-gold strands. When she’d gone to sleep the night before, in her bed on Voyager, her hair had been chin-length – now it was well past her shoulders.  
She spotted a mirror on the wall and crossed to it immediately, her eyes widening as she regarded her reflection.

Her hair was now shot through with grey, her face far more lined than it had been the day before. She looked as though she’d aged a decade in her sleep.

She raised a hand to touch the skin of her face, to assure herself this was reality …

Kathryn jumped violently as she suddenly heard a noise from somewhere else in the house. She looked around for something to use as a weapon, to defend herself if necessary, but there was nothing to hand. Unless she wanted to beat her captor senseless with her hairbrush, she was defenseless.

She pushed at the door and padded out into the corridor. The noise was definitely coming from the far end of this hallway, and her heart beat violently against her ribcage as she approached the door, which stood slightly ajar.

She peeked in, and immediately spotted a man, standing with his back to her. This room was the kitchen, and as Kathryn pushed the door open a fraction more to get a better look at him, he spotted her reflection in the window and swung round.

"Good morning, Kathryn," he said lightly. "You're up early. Have a seat, breakfast is almost ready." He turned back to the counter and continued slicing something.

Kathryn stared at him in mute shock for several moments.

"Chakotay?" she said eventually, her voice cracked.

There was no doubt it was Chakotay, but he looked different – older, too, his hair even greyer than hers. He was putting plates of something on the table.

"Eat up," he said, sitting in front of one of the plates. "It'll go dry."

"Chakotay," she said, frustrated. "What's going on? Where are we? What's happened to us?"

He looked unfazed by her questions. "Kathryn, have some breakfast. I promise I'll explain everything to you. Eat something."

She sat down at one of the tables, peering intently at the new lines on his face. He lifted a piece of what appeared to be some kind of fruit and took a bite, juice running down his fingers, and Kathryn looked down at her own plate.

"What is this?" she said.

"You'll like it," said Chakotay with certainty.

Irked by his tone and still unnerved by waking up in this strange place, Kathryn pushed her plate away.

"I'm not hungry," she said. "Tell me what's going on. Now."

Chakotay wiped his mouth with a napkin.

"Alright," he said. "What's today's date?"

"Earth calendar?" she said, and he nodded.

"November twelfth," she said warily.

"What's the last thing you remember, before this morning?"

"I was in Astrometrics," said Kathryn. "Seven had called me there to look at some long-range scans she'd found, indicating possible Borg activity a few parsecs away. You were there too."

Chakotay nodded. "Do you remember what happened after we left Astrometrics?"

"We were on our way to the Bridge."

Chakotay swallowed.

"I know this will be hard to believe," he said. "But that was twelve years ago."

 

* * *

 

"I'm not sure I like the look of that," said Janeway, cocking her head over her shoulder at the doors of the Astrometrics lab.

"I know what you mean," said Chakotay, walking alongside her. "Even for preliminary scans, those structures looked immense."

Janeway nodded. "As we get closer we'll be able to see more detail, but it certainly does look huge. I can't imagine what kind of-"

She stopped dead, a stunned expression appearing on her face, and Chakotay turned as he realised she was no longer walking beside him.

"Captain?" he said, walking back to her.

"It just occurred to me," she said. "The only Borg structure of that kind of size are – their Transwarp hubs," she said, looking at him with wonder.

Chakotay's eyebrows rose. He knew Kathryn well, and he knew without a doubt that her first thought would be the possibility that the hub might lead to the Alpha quadrant, or at least shave a few decades off their journey.

"It's possible," he said. "But I don't think we should start planning the Welcome Home party just yet. Those were only preliminary scans, and even Seven said she wouldn't able to identify the structure until we have more data."

Kathryn frowned at him, though she couldn't help but be amused that he had known immediately what she'd thought when the idea of the Transwarp hub had popped into her mind. A way home.

"I'll send Harry down, to help Seven realign the scanners," she said, continuing along the corridor. "Between them, they should be able to-"

She was cut off as Voyager pitched suddenly, hurling herself and Chakotay against the bulkhead. Staggering to her feet, she tapped her combadge.

"Janeway to bridge. Report!" she barked, as the ship continued to shake violently beneath her feet.

"There is a power surge in the starboard nacelle," came Tuvok's controlled voice. "It appears to have been caused by an anomaly."

"Take us out of warp," said Janeway.

"The helm's not responding," shouted Tom over the noise on the bridge. "The starboard injectors are fused."

"I'm reading more anomalies ahead," said Harry urgently.

Before she had a chance to reply, Janeway felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. Turning, she saw the corridor start to ripple and shimmer, the anomaly moving rapidly towards them, emitting a strange, high-pitched ringing sound. As it moved, bulkheads blew out in its path, plasma coolant leaking out into the hallway.

"Run!" she said to Chakotay, and they took off down the corridor.

"Janeway to bridge," she said as they ran. "Evacuate deck eight. The anomaly is causing structural damage throughout. Seal emergency bulkheads and – oh!"

She dived to one side as the anomaly rippled past her, missing her by a few centimetres. Panting, she tapped her combadge again, but there was no response.

Her stomach lurched as she saw Chakotay, lying on the ground a few meters away. His leg was trapped under a fallen bulkhead, his face a mask of pain.

She rushed to his side. "Did the anomaly touch you?" she said.

"No," he said. "But I can't move this bulkhead. My leg is trapped."

"Let me help you," she said, wrapping her arms around the beam and bracing herself.

Straining and heaving, she felt it move a fraction, but before she could try and move it any further her combadge crackled back into life.

"Captain!" came Harry's voice. "Can you hear me? You have to get out of there! There's another anomaly passing through that section of the ship!"

"Transport Chakotay and I to sickbay," called Janeway.

"Transporters are offline," said Harry, and Janeway froze as she heard the tell-tale sound of another anomaly nearby, panels bursting from the walls and bulkheads buckling in its path.

She swore under her breath, and gripped the beam trapping Chakotay again.

"Come on," she said. "It moved a little last time. We can do this."

"Captain," said Chakotay. "Get out of here."

"I'm not leaving you," said Janeway, in a tone that brooked no argument.

"There isn't time," said Chakotay urgently. "We can't move this."

"Yes we can," said Janeway, straining against the beam's massive weight.

"No," said Chakotay insistently. "Kathryn, we might not be as lucky this time. Look what the anomalies are doing to the bulkheads. If they touch you –"

Janeway ignored him. "On three," she said, red-faced from exertion. "One, two-"

On three they both heaved with all their might, and managed to lift the beam enough for Chakotay to drag his leg out from underneath. They let the beam drop back down with a dull thud, and Janeway scrambled to her feet.

"Can you walk?" she said, bending to help him.

"I think –"

Before he could finish his sentence, the anomaly rounded the corner at high speed. Chakotay was still sheltered by the fallen beam, but Kathryn was standing in the centre of the corridor and had no time to move.

The anomaly swept through her, knocking her onto her back and rippling over her like water.

As quickly as it had arrived it had gone, and Chakotay pulled himself across the floor, dragging his broken leg behind him, until he reached his Captain's still form.

"Kathryn!" he called, the pain in his leg nothing compared to the one in his heart.

There was no response.

 

* * *

 

Janeway groaned as she cracked open her eyes. Everything hurt, but most of all her head, which was throbbing fit to burst.

She felt the hiss of a hypospray against her neck and relaxed slightly as the pain began to recede.

"Captain," said the Doctor. "How do you feel?"

"Like I got hit by a shuttle," she said. "The ship – the anomalies – was anyone else hurt?" She made to get up but the Doctor pushed her back down.

"No. Captain, there are a few questions I'd like to ask you."

"It'll have to wait, Doctor," she said. "I need to get to the Bridge."

The Doctor's grip was more forceful this time as he pushed her down.

"I must insist, Captain," he said. "What is today's date?"

"November twelfth."

"When was the last time you spoke to Commander Chakotay?"

Janeway frowned. "He was in the corridor with me, when the anomaly hit us. Why?"

The Doctor swivelled the monitor round to show her.

"The anomaly in the corridor left something behind," he said, pointing to an image on the screen. "I've never seen it before. This is a microcellular scan of your hippocampus. You’ve been infected by several clusters of parasites. They haven’t caused any tissue damage but they’re impairing certain synaptic functions. They’re preventing you from forming new long term memories."

"Long-term?" said Janeway, shocked.

"You can recall events that happened before the infection, but everything after fades within a few hours, a day at the most," said the Doctor. "Captain, it's the _fifteenth_ of November, by Earth's calendar. You’ve been in Sickbay for three days. You last spoke to Commander Chakotay about seven hours ago. He came to see you, right here."

Janeway stared at the Doctor in disbelief.

"And you can't remove these parasites?" she said, frowning.

"So far, they haven’t responded to any treatments, but I’m synthesising an antigen that shows some promise. You can rest assured I won’t deactivate myself until I find a cure."

 

* * *

 

"And that was twelve years ago?" said Kathryn in disbelief, staring at Chakotay over the kitchen table.

"Yes," he said. "The Doctor worked around the clock trying out different treatments. In the meantime, the senior staff and I kept you updated as best we could."

 

* * *

 

"We were able to recalibrate the main sensor array to give us a clearer picture of the Borg structure," said Harry, pointing to the huge, sprawling network of tunnels on the screen. "Or at least, the part of it we can see so far."

Janeway leapt to her feet and crossed the meeting room, peering at the screen. Her eyes glittered as an idea occurred to her.

"Perhaps if we were to use a high-density neutron targeting beam, we could fit it to a long-range probe and get an idea of the full size of the structure," she said.

Silence fell across the room, and Janeway saw Harry exchange a quick look with Chakotay.

"Let me guess," said Janeway heavily. "I already suggested that."

"A week ago," said Harry kindly. "But it worked well. We were able to gather data on a number of additional tunnels we wouldn't have found for weeks otherwise. Every day we're getting closer, and soon we'll be able to start gathering telemetry on where the tunnels might lead."

Janeway nodded, her gaze fixed on the panel.

"Well," said Harry awkwardly. "I should get back to Astrometrics and help Seven."

"Dismissed," said Janeway distractedly. Once Harry had left, she turned to the viewport and stared out at the stars.

"I imagine that must happen often," she said. "Maybe these daily briefings aren’t such a good idea. Looks like it's just a waste of your time, and everyone else's."

"I disagree," said Chakotay. "Like Harry said, every day we're getting closer, gathering new data – you're still an exceptional scientist, you have plenty of expertise to contribute to this project."

Janeway huffed out a harsh laugh. "Perhaps. Well. I'm sure you have work to do. I'll be in my quarters."

"Kathryn," said Chakotay, and she stopped.

"When the anomaly hit in that corridor," he said, "I told you to run. If you had, I'd probably be the one infected by these parasites."

"Fortunately, I don't take orders from you," said Kathryn.

"I haven't had a chance yet to say th-"

"There's no point thanking me, Chakotay," Kathryn said dully, turning to look at him. "In a few hours I won't remember."

 

* * *

 

"A week later you handed over command to me," said Chakotay.

"The Doctor's antigen didn't work?" asked Kathryn.

"The Doctor discovered that the organisms are from a domain outside normal space-time," said Chakotay. "They exist in a state of interspatial flux. None of his treatments had any effect on them."

"What about the Borg tunnels?" said Kathryn.

Chakotay pursed his lips. "A few weeks later, we were close enough to scan the apertures and – sure enough – one of them ended at the edges of the Alpha quadrant." He topped up Kathryn's coffee as he spoke, even though she hadn't yet touched it.

"After a lot of discussion, we formulated a plan to get us through the conduit. If we could beam a metaphasic inverter from a Borg vessel into Voyager, we'd be able to seal the conduit from the other end. It wouldn't stop the Borg from coming through forever, but it would certainly slow them down. Which was about the best we could hope for under the circumstances."

He sighed, and took a deep swig of tea before continuing.

"The Borg obviously knew we were approaching, and dispatched several vessels to intercept us." He looked at her seriously and she felt a knot of dread tighten in her stomach.

"We didn't make it through the conduit," he said. "We were overwhelmed and forced to turn back. We were incredibly lucky to make it back out in one piece." He didn't mention the numbers of crewmembers they had lost, which included her old friend Tuvok. She had enough to take on board at this moment - he'd break it to her later, once she understood what had happened.

He glanced at her, at her wild-eyed and bewildered expression.

"Long story short," he said. "Voyager was heavily damaged by the attempt to pass through the tunnels. We managed to find an M-class planet, and we landed Voyager and moved planetside for a while so repairs could be done. Unfortunately, the damage to our warp core was irreparable. The remaining shuttles, and the Delta Flyer, were used to head out on scouting missions, see if we couldn't find an alien race which might have similar technology, but we've never found anything."

"What happened to the crew?" said Kathryn.

"Many of them are still on Voyager," said Chakotay. "She's in orbit, protecting the colony. She can't go to warp, but she's still up there. They take turns acting as skeleton crew and spend the rest of their lives planetside. Tom and B'Elanna spend pretty much all their time up there, though."

"Not you?"

"Me?"

"Surely as Captain you must be there fairly often?"

"I haven't been Voyager's Captain for a long time, Kathryn," said Chakotay. "Tom's in command now."

Kathryn stared at him. "What happened?"

 

* * *

 

Chakotay deactivated the PADD and watched Janeway pace back and forth in front of her viewport. He'd just delivered her early-morning briefing, getting her up to date as concisely as possible.

"Alright," said Janeway. "I realise I’m not fit to command the ship, but there’s got to be some way I can help." Her face lit up. "Perhaps I could give B'Elanna a hand in Engineering."

"We tried something like that a few months ago," said Chakotay. "It was - difficult for you."

She could well imagine it would have been – every day when she turned up in Engineering she would have forgotten the previous day's work, or would have to spend huge chunks of time reviewing everything she'd done the previous day. She imagined herself performing the same tasks over and over again, the other engineers having to follow her around and clean up her messes.

"So I’m supposed to stay locked up in my quarters all day?" she said helplessly.

"You often help out in the hydroponics bay, visit the holodecks, teach Naomi. She loves your lessons."

"In other words, just stay out of the way," said Janeway dully.

 

* * *

 

The remaining members of Voyager's senior staff had gathered round the table for the last time before many of them left to live on the planet's surface. They would return in shifts and for short periods of time, but it was the last time they'd all be together as one crew.

"I’d be happy to join one of the survey teams scouting for colony sites," said Tom.

"You'll be needed on Voyager," said Chakotay. "You'll need to oversee the transfer of personnel and equipment to the surface, as well as running the ship on the first rotation of skeleton crew. It’s a lot to keep together, but I have every confidence in you."

"Me?" said Tom. "No offence, but isn't that the Captain's job?"

Chakotay pulled a slim, wooden box out of his pocket.

"It certainly is," he said, handing the box to Tom, who flicked it open to reveal four gold pips within.

"I’m resigning my commission," said Chakotay.

Tom stared at the pips.

"You’re sure you want to do this?" he said to Chakotay.

"Captain Janeway will be better off living on the surface with the rest of the crew," Chakotay replied. "She can't stay in her quarters for the rest of her life. She’ll need a caretaker, someone she trusts. I can’t be in two places at the same time."

Tom's expression softened. "You’re making one hell of a sacrifice. Why?"

Chakotay met his gaze.

"I have my reasons," he said.

 

* * *

 

Kathryn stared at Chakotay across the table as he paused to sip at his tea.

"You gave up command for – for this?" she said, indicating herself, and the house. Every day, she realised, he must have to tell her everything about the past twelve years. _It must drive him insane_ , she thought to herself.

Chakotay simply nodded. "You may find it hard to believe – but it's what I wanted."

She did find it hard to believe. Chakotay eyed her breakfast plate.

"You really should eat something," he said gently, and Kathryn picked up one of the pieces of what she assumed was fruit. Biting into it, her eyebrows rose.

"This is good," she said, taking a bigger bite.

"I told you you'd like it," he said, smiling.

"You _knew_ I'd like it," she corrected. "I've eaten this dozens of times before, haven't I?"

"Yes," he said.

"So," said Kathryn, huffing out a sigh. "How do I fill my days here? Do I have a job?"

"No," said Chakotay. "You would have to be re-trained, or at least filled in on what you'd done the day before, every single day. We weren't able to find anything suitable."

Kathryn looked deflated. "So – what?"

Chakotay pointed to a picture on the wall.

"I paint?" said Kathryn in surprise.

"Sometimes," said Chakotay. "But if you don't finish the picture in the same day you forget what it was supposed to be, so it often turns out as something completely different." He was grinning, but his smile faded as he saw Kathryn's stricken expression.

"That's horrible," she said.

"It's not," he said. "It's a great challenge, looking at what you did before and jumping off from there."

"Can't I tell you what it is, and you can remind me the next day?"

His grin reappeared. "You often have," he said. "And then, when I try and tell you, you don't want to know."

Kathryn couldn’t help but smile back. "Sounds about right," she said. "So what else do I get up to?"

Chakotay shifted slightly in his seat, looking at her sideways.

"You write a lot," he said.

"What do I write?" she said, intrigued. "Not novels, surely."

"No," said Chakotay. "Journals, mostly." Kathryn's face lit up.

"Journals!" she said. "Of course. I must use them to remember things. Do I read them every day?"

"Well, not all of them," said Chakotay. "That alone would probably take days."

"Why, how much have I written?" said Kathryn in surprise.

"We have been here twelve years," said Chakotay. "And you've written something more or less every day."

"Where are they?" she said, and Chakotay pointed down the hallway.

"Your room," he said. "In the wardrobe, on the high shelf."

"If you don't mind, I'll go and take a look now," she said, reaching for another piece of fruit as she stood.

"Of course," said Chakotay. Halfway out of the room already, she stopped, and turned to face him.

"I suppose I do this every morning, too?" she said.

"Each day isn't absolutely identical, but – yes, pretty much," he said.

She smiled tightly at him and headed back to her room.

Hauling open the wardrobe doors, she looked up and spotted several large boxes lined up neatly, numbered one to five. She pulled down the first and opened it.

Inside, in a neat row, were small, numbered notebooks. The box held fifteen of them.

That meant in total, there were about seventy-five notebooks. Chakotay was right, it would take days to read them all, if not weeks.

She flipped open the first notebook, and noticed a piece of paper had been pasted over the first page. She immediately recognised her own writing.

 

  
_Skip to the end._   


 

She flipped to the back of the notebook, and scanned the last page – it seemed to be something about a meeting she'd had with Tom, who had come to the surface for a few days for a break from Voyager. It ended abruptly, mid-sentence, and she guessed she'd continued into the next notebook.

 _Skip to the end._ Frowning, Kathryn pulled down the box labelled '5'. This box was only half full, with more of the black-bound notebooks. She pulled out the last one.

Inside the front cover, she had written a letter to herself.

She settled on the edge of her bed to read it, and as her eyes moved down the page she started to tremble.

In the letter, she had summarised the notebooks for herself. They were not filled, as she had assumed, with scientific data and theories about how to remove the parasites from her brain. Instead, they were a detailed and thorough account of her personal life on this planet - of her life with Chakotay.

Kathryn clapped a hand over her mouth as she read the next line.

 _You and Chakotay – that is to say, Chakotay and I – are in love._

Kathryn set the notebook inside and jumped to her feet, pacing the floor.

How could that be? She couldn't remember one day to the next. How could they have any kind of relationship? When she woke up in the morning she was convinced she'd gone to bed the night before on Voyager. How could they begin a relationship in the space of a single day?

She lifted the notebook again and continued with the letter from herself, hoping for answers.

 _I'm sure you don't believe it,_ she had written. _This letter has gone through many revisions over the years. But it's the truth. The purpose of these notebooks, initially, was to serve as a physical memory, from one day to the next. You want to remember every little thing, the way you used to - the most important things are recorded in these books, so hopefully one day, when the parasites are gone, you can rediscover these moments._

 _You wonder how you could possibly have an intimate relationship with Chakotay when you can't remember any of your time here. It’s quite simple. You love him, you know you do. You aren't in command, and haven't been for a long time. And he loves you. You can be, and have been, together here in a way you could never be on Voyager._

 _Don’t be afraid. Think of this as a gift, and accept it with open arms. Let yourself be loved. Some days, this will be harder than others – but Chakotay remembers every day we've spent here, and although I have to remind myself of it every day, I know it to be true. Go to him, and you'll find you don't have to wait for your happiness any more – you can have it every day._

Kathryn closed the cover of the notebook, her hands shaking. The letter had finished with the startling information that practically every moment she'd shared with Chakotay over the years was documented in the notebooks.

She pulled the remaining boxes down from the wardrobe and pulled out a notebook at random. Flicking it open, she saw it was dated almost six years previously.

 _After the usual this morning,_ she had written, _we went for a walk. Summer on this planet is unusually hot this year, so we headed to the lake. The swim was blissful, and afterwards we sat under a shady tree and had a light picnic lunch._

She had scribbled _(fresh bread, replicated cheese, grapes, iced tea)_ in the margin. She smiled at the note, almost able to taste the grapes and see the dappled sunlight through the trees. She continued reading.

 _The afternoon became sweltering, not much to do except lie around in the shade. I wore a bathing suit – it felt like I hadn't worn one for years, but Chakotay told me I wore it yesterday. My body looks quite different from the last time I remember wearing one._

 _That was upsetting, the overnight loss of six years and the aging that accompanies it, but Chakotay was so kind. He told me how beautiful I was. I know about us, and I let him kiss me, there under the trees._

 _These notebooks must be filled with my realisation every day that I do love him, but I'm recording it again. I'm feeling it now as though for the first time, although I know that is not the case._

 _We headed home soon after, and he held my hand the whole way. This is all very unfair on him. He has twelve years of memories of us and I can't remember a thing. He must get very frustrated - I don't think I could stand it._

Kathryn began to skim-read as the journal entry covered their dinner and evening activities in detail. Apparently Chakotay had been working on a small end table for their living room while she wrote in her journal.

The handwriting suddenly changed, becoming sloppy. 02:20 was scribbled in the margin.

Kathryn's eyes widened as she read this page. It was a detailed and in-depth account of her and Chakotay's lovemaking, obviously hastily scribbled before she succumbed to sleep and the whole thing was wiped from her mind.

Slamming the cover shut, Kathryn stared sightlessly into space, her mind reeling. They had made love? After only one day on the planet, to her anyway?

She looked around at the notebooks again, and snatched up another, this time dated two years previously. She flicked through, and sure enough, several times throughout the book she had written about their encounters. She skimmed over an account of fast, hard sex against the bathroom wall, her cheeks flaming.

She flicked through another notebook, and another, and found more of the same. But it wasn't just a record of their sexual exploits - every detail of her and Chakotay's life here was scribbled down.

 _I had no idea today was my birthday. After the usual this morning, Chakotay vanished and then reappeared with a bunch of the most unusual peach-coloured flowers I've ever seen._

She put it to one side and grabbed another, opening it randomly. 'The usual', she gathered, referred to Chakotay's 'briefing' every morning, getting her up to speed with what had happened over the last twelve years, and then her review of these notebooks. It appeared that every morning, Chakotay would wait for her to discover the truth about their relationship through these books, and then they had the rest of the day and night to live some semblance of a normal life.

It was a very good idea, she mused, scanning another notebook, this time from only a year ago. The handwriting here was uneven and choppy.

 _Today's a bad day. Chakotay says I have those sometimes. I just can't believe any of this. It can't be happening. I'm writing in here because I'm supposed to, but I feel as though I've lost my mind. I read today that Chakotay and I are in love. It's true I've had feelings for him, but I can't believe that every day I just fall into his arms after reading a few notes._

 _I read that we made love. We've apparently had sex thousands of times, and I can't remember a single time. I was so angry with him earlier. I feel humiliated. I can't face him._

The next entry was over the page, and couldn't be more different.

 _Today has been wonderful - after the usual, I asked Chakotay if he'd like to come with me to the beaches a few miles north of here. I left myself a note reminding myself I wanted to visit there when the weather was decent. To my mind, it had been years since I'd been to a beach, but apparently we were there a few weeks ago. No matter, we had the most wonderful time. I'll add the details shortly._

 _We talked about yesterday. Chakotay says it was a bad day for me, though of course I don't remember._

 _I can't imagine what this is like for him. He must be the most patient man in the quadrant. And how awful, to think that the person you love will forget that they love you overnight._

 _I won't forget. I'll keep writing in these journals until my hand drops off if necessary. There's a decade-long relationship contained in these pages. I might have to refresh my memory every day, but it's too precious to just be forgotten._

Kathryn pushed the notebooks neatly back into the boxes, and put them away. She'd seen all she needed to see.

 

* * *

 

Chakotay was outside in the garden when she emerged from her bedroom, an array of what looked like rocks spread out in front of him on a large plastic sheet.

He heard her approach, and turned to look at her - he was smiling, but his expression was wary.

She sighed inwardly. Every day, he must wonder if she'd read the books, must wonder if she had found out about their long life together.

As though he was afraid of scaring a wild animal away, Chakotay remained still, watching her, and Kathryn made her decision.

For today, at least, they could be happy. Tomorrow, she wouldn't remember, but today was within her control.

She crossed the garden, her heart beating wildly, until she reached his side and crouched next to him.

"I've just been reading some very interesting things," she said softly, suddenly remembering a particularly detailed paragraph about the two of them on what must have been this very groundsheet. She felt a rush of blood to her cheeks.

"Oh?" said Chakotay, his expression still neutral.

"Yes," said Kathryn. "And – I can understand why you didn't tell me earlier."

Chakotay nodded. "Don't worry," he said. "Every day is a new one. I'll understand if you want to talk about things - perhaps I can explain-"

He was silenced by Kathryn pressing her lips to his.

He had kissed her countless times before, of course, but for her, this was the first time. He could feel the nervous tension almost radiating from her, and knew from experience that she was testing herself.

She pulled back and looked at him.

"I love you," she said, sounding surprised.

"I know," he said.

"For a long time?" she asked, and he nodded.

"And yet –"

"As far as you're concerned, yesterday we were still commanding Voyager," he finished.

"Yes," she said sadly.

He took her hand between both of his. "It's alright," he said. "I know how fast this is all going for you."

She squeezed his fingers. "These aren't new feelings," she said, choosing her words carefully. "But I know how close we've been since we’ve been here, even if I don't remember it directly. I know that Voyager was a long time ago."

"Let’s just see where today takes us," said Chakotay. "As I said, every day is different. Luckily for us, most of them are good ones," he said, raising a hand to stroke her cheek.

Kathryn stiffened at the contact. She knew they'd been far more intimate than this, but for her this was the first time he'd ever touched her like that.

She saw the tiniest expression of sadness cross his face, and eager to reassure him, reached out to touch his cheek in return, tilting his face up towards her.

"It's alright," she said. "It's just – this all feels so new." She smiled.

He covered her hand with his, and turned his head to kiss her palm.

"It always does, with you," he said, and she saw the love shining in his eyes. A thrill went through her as she leaned forward to kiss him again.

 

* * *

 

The rest of that day passed too quickly for Kathryn's liking. Chakotay told her about his work, which was collecting, cataloguing and analysing various fossils found on their new home planet – which, Kathryn reminded herself, wasn't so new. It was obvious he loved the work and had a real passion for it, and she smiled fondly as he explained each of the fossils.

"It's not really necessary for survival, I suppose," he said, watching Kathryn turn a spiral-patterned fossil over in her hands. "But it's something I always wanted to do, and this seemed like a good opportunity."

"I think you're doing very important work," said Kathryn. Chakotay had shown her the database he'd compiled so far, which contained information on thousands of different items he had found. "When we get home, you can write a book about all of this. No other human has ever had such an opportunity, to catalogue a Delta Quadrant planet's history so thoroughly - "

She tailed off as she realised Chakotay was staring at the samples, avoiding her gaze.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I forgot – we aren't going home, are we?"

Chakotay sighed.

"This is home, Kathryn," he said. "For me, anyway. Apart from when I was a child, this is the longest I've spent settled in any one place." He glanced over at their small house, and she followed his gaze.

"Are you happy?" she said eventually, and he looked back at her, placing a large hand on her forearm.

"Yes," he said, smiling. "I wish you didn't have to go through this every day - I can't imagine how unnerving it must be for you, to say the least – but we're here, we're together, and we muddle through. So yes, I'm very happy."

She smiled, and it lit up her face. Placing the fossil she held down, she lifted another.

"Tell me about this one," she said, and Chakotay began his explanation.

Looking at her rapt expression, he was almost able to forget he'd told her about this particular rock hundreds of times before.

 

* * *

 

That evening, after dinner, they returned to the garden and settled on a large blanket with a glass of wine. The hot weather had continued and Chakotay strolled outside shirtless, enjoying the breeze against his skin.

Full and relaxed, Kathryn let her head drop onto Chakotay's bare shoulder as they lay side by side on the blanket, looking up at the stars and the tiny, distant moon. His hand settled on her waist, stroking back and forth. She relished the contact – although she knew it wasn't actually the case, it felt to her like an eternity since she had been touched like this. She nestled closer, breathing in his scent. So familiar, and yet so new.

The night was balmy, and Kathryn shifted in Chakotay's embrace.

"Do we do this often?" she said quietly.

"Yes," he said. "When the weather's decent."

"It’s nice," she said.

He smiled, resting his head against hers.

"It is," he agreed.

Kathryn rested her hand on his chest, stroking, learning the feel of his skin. She felt his lips press against her hair, and shivered, despite the warmth of the night.

 _Is this how it happens every night?_ She wondered. Did they simply gravitate together out of habit, or because she felt guilty for pushing him away when they'd made love so many times in the past? Or was it because she truly wanted him and had done for a long time?

As the hand resting idly on her hip began to move in more deliberate motions, she felt a rush of want, a long-forgotten sensation of pulsing warmth beginning below her belly.

Her prior knowledge of their relationship made her bold, and, slightly shocked at herself, she sat up and leaned over him, her eyes raking over his face. His eyes were soft, filled with love as he regarded her, and before she could think about it too much she lowered her head and kissed him.

This was different to the sweet, tender kisses from earlier. His mouth was hot and demanding, his tongue curling almost immediately between her lips.

Chakotay's hand moved from her waist to skate along her ribcage. She wore a thin t-shirt due to the heat, and he pushed it up with his hand as his fingers drifted upwards, finally trailing lightly over her breast. She shifted closer towards him, pushing her breast into his palm and running her hands over the firm knots of his nipples.

Chakotay's mouth left hers and began to move along her jaw, down her neck until he pulled back, his hands going to the waistband of her thin shirt.

She panicked momentarily, remembering her reflection in the mirror earlier. She was nearly sixty now, and had been shocked when she saw the changes in her body over the last twelve years.

Chakotay saw the fear, the embarrassment, in her eyes, and continued to tug at the shirt until, reluctantly, she let him pull it over her head and toss it to one side. He pulled her close, and leaned forward to close his lips around a rosy nipple. She closed her eyes, her fingers curling into the soft, grey hair at the nape of his neck.

Almost of its own accord, her other hand moved to settle at the apex of her thighs, pressing against her core through the fabric of her skirt and underwear. Shifting, she hiked up the skirt until only the thin barrier of her panties remained.

Chakotay spotted her movements out of the corner of his eye and took over. Hooking his fingers through her panties, he cocked his head to indicate she should raise her hips, and as she did so he tugged them off and cast them aside.

She was now naked to his gaze, and felt very vulnerable, although she knew it was nothing he hadn't seen before. Her hand drifted back down to cover herself, until Chakotay lowered his head to kiss her fingers, before nudging her hand aside with his nose.

She felt his breath against her and tensed.

"Wait," she croaked. "You don't have to - _oh!_ "

Obviously used to her protests at this point, Chakotay had forged ahead, pressing his warm, silky tongue between her folds before she knew what was happening. Writhing, she fisted her hands in the blanket.

He continued his ministrations on her, sweeping his tongue along the length of her before pressing it deep inside. Soon, two of his thick fingers joined his tongue, and she bucked and moaned as she felt a sweet, torturous pressure building. Soon his talented fingers and tongue had her crying out beneath him.

This was unlike any first time Kathryn had ever experienced, but then after twelve years of loving her of course Chakotay would know every inch of her body. She felt a momentary stab of guilt that she didn't know exactly what he liked, and made a mental note to start a list that she could review each day.

She almost giggled at the thought, and Chakotay worked his way up her body, leaving a trail of sloppy kisses.

"What?" he said, lifting his head and seeing the mirth in her eyes.

"Nothing," she said, panting.

"You okay?" he said.

"Yes," she said, as he took her nipple into his mouth again. "Oh, yes."

Eager to reciprocate, Kathryn took a deep breath and placed her hand just above the waistband of Chakotay's shorts. He didn't stop what he was doing, but moaned against her breast as her hand stole beneath the elastic to wrap around him.

She ran her hands over him, learning his shape and texture, and his breathing quickened.

Irritated by the barrier of cloth which hampered her movements, Kathryn kneeled next to him and tugged down his shorts and briefs in one movement. He kicked them off and away as she looked at his naked form for the first time.

She didn't have any comparison, but the years would have changed him as they had her. His belly was more rounded now, the lines and planes of his body softened, but she still felt a rush of desire as she looked at him.

She took him in her hand again and hesitated for only a second before pressing a kiss to the tip of his penis. She glanced up, and saw him watching her though heavy-lidded eyes black with lust.

Emboldened, she lowered her head again and licked up his full length, before taking him into her mouth. She would not ordinarily have done this for a man the first time she slept with him, but this was no ordinary first time.

Chakotay's muscles tensed as she continued to torment him with her lips and tongue. She scraped her teeth lightly over the underside of the tip, and he let out a ragged sigh.

She leaned back to look at him again, and before she could return to her task he had reached up, pulling her flush against him and kissing her fiercely.

He was now hot and hard against her thigh, and she hooked her leg over his hip so he pressed against her centre. He broke the kiss to look into her eyes, one hand tangled into her long hair.

She nodded, almost imperceptibly, and he shifted his hips. Kathryn's eyes fluttered shut as she felt the tip of him push inside, and stilled her movements until he was buried within her.

She waited for the sting, for the discomfort of penetration after so long without sex; but none came, just a delicious feeling of fullness. Her body remembered even if her mind didn't.

She raised her knee even further to open herself to him, and began to move in counterpoint to his long, slow thrusts as he slid in and out of her, one hand on her lower back to hold her to him. Arms wound around each other, bodies pressed as close together as they could manage, Chakotay raised his head from her breast to kiss her, lips and tongues fused as their pace began to increase.

Kathryn rolled slightly onto her back to allow Chakotay to settle between her thighs. After earlier, she didn't think she would come again, but to her surprise and pleasure she felt the sensation building and centering once again, spiralling upwards. Chakotay's hand slipped between them and pressed against her just above where they were joined, his fingers moving in small circular motions. She soon climaxed, her muscles contracting around him - once she had come he followed soon after, moaning into her mouth, and she felt the hot spurt deep within her as he sagged, breaking the kiss and pressing his face into her neck, panting.

As her breathing slowed, Kathryn looked up at the stars over Chakotay's shoulder. She was still a little stunned at what had happened – last night he had been both First Officer and friend to her but nothing more, and now here they were naked and sweat-slicked, him softening inside her.

 _No_ , she reminded herself. Last night they had done this, and the night before, and the night before that, probably.

Her mind spinning, blissfully sated, Kathryn felt herself sliding towards sleep. She shook herself, and pushed at Chakotay's shoulder.

"Get up," she said. "I can't fall asleep here. Not yet. I won't remember."

"I know," he murmured, and rolled to one side after pressing a warm kiss to her shoulder.

She stood, and winced as various aches and pains made themselves known. Chakotay stretched, groaning, and Kathryn chuckled.

"I forgot that we're old now," she said, bending to pick up her clothes and wincing as her back protested.

"Hey, we're not old," protested Chakotay. "Well," he said, one hand rubbing an aching muscle in his back. "Maybe a little too old to be doing this on the ground."

Kathryn laughed and extended a hand to pull him to his feet. They wandered back into the house and activated the sonic shower. Chakotay held a sleepy Kathryn against him, her forehead resting against his shoulder.

Afterwards, he led her to her bed, and kissed her softly before he turned to leave. She gripped his hand.

"I wish you could stay," she said.

"I know," he said. "So do I. But –"

"Mmm," she said. "I understand. This is how it has to be."

He smiled sadly, and nodded. "Go to sleep," he said, stroking her hair.

"Alright," she said, settling into the pillows. Chakotay headed for the door.

"Goodnight," she called drowsily. "I love you."

"I love you too," said Chakotay quietly from the doorway. She was already asleep.

 

* * *

 

The days continued to pass in much the same manner. One afternoon, Kathryn was sitting cross-legged against a tree in their garden, writing about the morning's events in her journal, when a thought crossed her mind.

She scrabbled to her feet. It was so simple, so blindingly obvious that she wondered how she'd never thought of it before.

Of course, there was always the possibility that she had thought if before but had forgotten before she'd made a note of it.

She hurtled into the house where Chakotay was preparing lunch.

"Chakotay!" she said urgently, and he whipped round. "I've had an idea."

"Oh?" he said.

"It's just occurred to me – you don't have to spend all that time explaining everything to me every morning. It takes a long time, and it must wear on you, having to repeat all of that every single day. I've been thinking – we should prepare some materials for me to read as soon as I wake up. I could even record myself talking about what's happened, and leave the PADD somewhere I won't miss it in the morning."

An odd, closed expression passed over Chakotay's face, but Kathryn, absorbed in her idea, didn't notice.

"I could include the relevant scientific data, and remind myself about the notebooks," she said, her eyes bright with enthusiasm. "That way, by the time I join you for breakfast, I'll be more or less up to speed." She beamed. "What do you think?"

He nodded. "It's a good idea," he said. Kathryn's eyes narrowed.

"But?" she said.

"But it's a huge amount of information to take in," he said. "Don't you think it would be better coming from a person than from a PADD?"

"If I record myself, it _will_ be coming from a person," she said. "Chakotay, I'm trying to spare you any more of those breakfasts we have where all you do is recite the same information you've already told me thousands upon thousands of times."

"It’s not a chore," said Chakotay. "I enjoy our breakfasts together."

"We can still have them," said Kathryn, waving a hand. "Only this time, we'll be starting off on the same page."

Chakotay looked uneasy, but nodded.

"Alright," he said, sounding reluctant. "We'd better make a note of the idea, so that tomorrow you can review-"

"No," said Kathryn decisively. "I'll do it now. That way I won't forget, and we can see how well it works tomorrow morning."

She took herself off to her bedroom with a pile of PADDs, and Chakotay didn't see her again until dinnertime.

"Well, it's done," she said, seating herself at the table. "Now we wait and see what happens tomorrow."

Chakotay nodded, and watched silently as she piled potatoes onto her plate.

 

* * *

 

Kathryn Janeway could see the daylight, even from behind her closed eyelids, and she scrunched up her eyes as the brightness forced her into wakefulness, stretching like a cat in the few moments before awareness.

She suddenly sat bolt upright. Daylight? That wasn’t right. There was no daylight on a starship.

Disoriented, she peered around, taking in her surroundings. She was in a small, but light bedroom, the covers and mattress much softer than her usual Starfleet sheets. The room was rather old-fashioned, with hand-made furniture and what looked like original art on the walls. She didn’t recognize any of the pieces. Out of the window, she could see a bright blue sky, with several thin, weedy plants growing up the window frames.

A quiet beeping broke into her consciousness, and she swung round, looking for the source. There was a PADD lying on the small table next to her bed, and she reached out with a shaking hand to activate it. Her own face looked back to her, smiling.

"Good morning," her own image said. "First of all, don't be scared. I know this is all very strange. But there is an explanation."

 

* * *

 

Quite some time later, Kathryn emerged from the bedroom. In the kitchen, Chakotay was sitting at the table, staring at its wooden surface. His head snapped up as she entered, and she crossed the room to kiss him before heading over to pour herself a coffee, leaving him staring after her, dumbfounded.

"Good morning," she said. "Sorry I'm so late."

He nodded dumbly. "It worked, then?"

She nodded in reply. "I know where we are and why we're here," she said. "And I know about us."

"Oh," he said eventually. "Well – good."

"Yes," said Kathryn. "So, what do you want to do today?"

Chakotay blinked. She was taking the news of having lost twelve years awfully well.

"I was going to work on the new batch of fossils," he said. Kathryn frowned for a moment, before nodding.

"Good idea," she said. "I was wondering - would you like to go for a walk along the cliff paths later?"

Chakotay's eyebrows rose. He loved walking the cliff paths; they were one of his favourite spots on the planet. Kathryn must have made a note of that.

"I'd love to," he said.

"Excellent," she said. "Well, I think I'll go for a walk, perhaps visit some of the crew who live nearby. See you later." She leaned over to kiss him again before dashing out of the door, leaving a slightly dazed Chakotay in her wake.

The days continued in much the same manner – Kathryn would appear in the kitchen later than usual but with more or less full knowledge of what had happened to bring them here and their subsequent relationship.

She let him hold her hand, initiated kisses, and on many nights even tugged him into his or her bedroom - but she seemed different to him, as though she were holding something back. She appeared tense and hesitant where previously, when she had allowed him to love her, she had given herself to him completely.

One morning she arrived in the kitchen, looking exhausted. They had made love the night before, and, as usual, he had had to resist the temptation to fall asleep in her arms, sneaking back to his room once she'd fallen asleep. Finding him in her bed when she awoke with no recollection of the night before would no doubt unnerve her terribly.

"Morning," he said, and passed her a coffee, which she sniffed at gratefully, offering him a tired smile.

"Morning," she replied dully.

"Are you alright?" he said.

"Fine, thank you," she said. "The date is not November twelfth, it is June sixteenth. I am fifty-eight years old, we're in the Delta Quadrant and we're in love."

She didn't sound particularly happy about the final item on her list, and Chakotay frowned.

"Kathryn," he started. "About your PADD –"

He was interrupted by a knock at the door, and Kathryn jumped up to answer it. She let out a gasp of surprise when she saw the Doctor standing outside, and grabbed him in a fierce hug.

"It's nice to see you too, Captain," said the Doctor, patting her shoulder.

She brought him into the kitchen, where he and Chakotay shook hands. The Doctor unpacked his medkit and began scanning Kathryn, who signed in resignation.

"Well," said the Doctor after examining his tricorder for a few moments. "Nothing seems to have changed since your last scans."

"Is that why you came all the way down from Voyager, to give me a check-up?" said Kathryn. The Doctor turned to Chakotay.

"You didn’t tell her?" he said accusingly.

"I was about to," said Chakotay. "You were rather early."

The Doctor huffed out a sigh and turned back to Kathryn.

"Perhaps I can explain, Captain," he said. "After this settlement was established, it seemed that I would never find a treatment for your condition. It was clear there was no way to destroy these parasites short of vaporising you in a subspace implosion."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow, and the Doctor continued.

"Simply, the technology to do what was required did not exist. It took almost a decade to develop, but now I’m ready to put it to the test. The procedure requires tremendous amounts of energy, levels that can only be produced in the reactor of a warp-powered starship."

Kathryn, wide-eyed, looked back and forth between the Doctor and Chakotay.

"We’re going to Voyager," said Chakotay. Their conversation from earlier would have to wait.

 

* * *

 

They beamed aboard and were met by a full complement of crewmembers in dress uniform, who piped her aboard in traditional fashion.

Kathryn looked around the transporter room. To her, it felt as though she'd only been here yesterday, and yet so long had passed. The crewmembers standing beaming at her had aged a decade. She was looking at middle-aged men and women where young people had stood the day before. It was extremely unnerving.

She felt Chakotay's hand at her elbow, and stepped off the transporter pad. The doors to the room opened, and a familiar group walked in, led by Tom Paris. His hair was greyer, his hairline receding, but his blue eyes sparkled as he beamed at her.

"It's good to see you, Captain," he said, reaching for Kathryn's hand. She squeezed his in return.

"Captain Paris," she said, beaming. "I don’t think you need to call _me_ Captain anymore."

"Old habits," said Tom. "I apologise for the low lighting," he continued, indicating the dimly lit room. "We’re running on reserve power. Antimatter’s at a premium in these parts."

"How long has it been since you took command?" said Kathryn.

"Twelve years," said Tom. "I’ve got some people here who’d like to say hello," he said, stepping aside. B'Elanna was first, and hugged Kathryn fiercely. An older Harry stepped forward, grinning, and shook Kathryn's hand.

"You're looking well, Captain," he said. "It's good to see you."

"You too – Commander, is it?" said Kathryn, eyeing Harry's collar.

"Actually, I’ve been promoted to Captain," said Harry proudly. "We managed to obtain a small, warp-capable ship from a race called the Zimar. She only goes up to warp five at the moment, but B'Elanna thinks we can get her to at least warp six point five. Once we do, then I'll be taking a crew on a long-range recon mission."

Kathryn shook her head, smiling fondly.

"Did everyone get their own ship while I was gone?" she said to the group.

"Not everyone, Captain," said a familiar figure, stepping forward.

"Seven," said Janeway, stepping forward to embrace her. Shocked, she realised that Seven must be coming up on forty now. Still beautiful, but with an added air of maturity about her, Seven had grown into a fine woman. Kathryn regarded her proudly.

"There’s a reception in the Mess hall, if you’re feeling up to it," said Tom.

"I think a visit to Engineering may be in order first," said the Doctor.

 

* * *

 

An image of Kathryn's brain, the parasites glowing white, was displayed on the console. A modified stasis pod stood next to the warp core.

"I’ll be using a highly focused antiproton beam to eradicate the parasites," said the Doctor. "We’ll start with this cluster today," he said, indicating one group of parasites near Kathryn's brain stem.

"Why not remove all of them at once?" said Kathryn.

"This procedure’s never been attempted before," said the Doctor. "We've run simulations which have been successful, but still - we should proceed cautiously."

"When can you begin?" said Kathryn impatiently.

"The emitters should be calibrated momentarily," said the Doctor. "I'll need to monitor the calibrations. I'll be back shortly."

He walked away, leaving Kathryn and Chakotay alone. Chakotay ran a hand over the pod.

"Chakotay," said Kathryn quietly. "I hope I’ve told you before, but - I’m very grateful for everything you’ve done for me over the years. I hope you know – how much I care about you. How much I love you."

He looked at her in surprise as she moved close to him, her eyes troubled.

"If this works -" she began, but before she could continue the Doctor reappeared beside them.

"Captain, we're ready," he said. Kathryn looked back at Chakotay, who nodded encouragingly before helping her into the pod. She looked up at him through the glass as the lid slid shut, and smiled.

The Doctor's fingers danced over the panel on the pod and a green glow appeared within, surrounding Kathryn.

"Four hundred millicochranes," said the Doctor. "Increasing to five hundred."

The green glow intensified, and Chakotay glanced up at the panel showing Kathryn's brain. Was it his imagination, or had some of the parasites gone?

"Increasing to seven hundred millicochranes," said the Doctor. "Eight hundred. Eight fifty."

His mouth dry, Chakotay watched as the targeted group of parasites disappeared from the screen. The Doctor shut off the device, and the roof of the pod slid open. Chakotay grabbed Kathryn's arm as she sat up gingerly, and she smiled gratefully at him.

"How do you feel?" he said in concern.

"Fine," she said. "No different."

"Just as my simulations predicted," said the Doctor, indicating the brain scan. "There’s no trace of the parasites I targeted."

"It worked," breathed Kathryn.

"Indeed," said the Doctor, clearly pleased with himself. "I'll just need to recalibrate to target all of the parasites. I'll be back in a short while. Don't over-exert yourself, Captain," he chided as he left.

He left, and Kathryn climbed out of the pod, Chakotay steadying her as she stood.

"Thank you," she said.

They stood in silence for a moment.

"Kathryn," said Chakotay. "There's something I want to talk to you about."

"Oh?" said Kathryn.

"Your PADD," he said. "The one you use to tell yourself about everything in the mornings. You said you knew all about us – what did you tell yourself in the message?"

She turned to face him, frowning. "Why? Has something been different? I haven't pushed you away," she said defensively.

"No, I know – but yes, something has been different." He took her hand. "Before you set up that PADD, it _was_ different," he said. "Sometimes, you didn't accept the fact of our relationship at all, but most of the time you did, and you chose to take that step with me. Every day you made that choice, so when you came to me I knew it was because it was what _you_ wanted as well. But since the PADD – " he tailed off. How to explain to her how he'd felt her distance from him, even as she'd let him make love to her?

Kathryn turned away again. "It doesn't matter, does it?" she said. "What matters is that I remember. That we can at least try to have a normal relationship - "

"What did you put about us on that PADD, Kathryn?" said Chakotay firmly. "Tell me."

"It's private," she hissed.

"You obviously left a message for yourself. What did you tell yourself to remember? What was so important that it made you - "

"Alright!" she said, rounding on him. "You want to know? Fine." She took a deep breath.

"I told myself about what had happened between us, and whether or not I felt comfortable about it each morning - I told myself I owed it to you to go along with it." She moved away from him, waking around the pod, putting it between them.

"It isn't exactly a chore," she said. "You aren't a difficult person to love, Chakotay, and I did care deeply for you even before I was infected. But some days it wasn't easy – or so I read." She glanced at him guiltily. "I've been trying to keep things as normal as possible for you. I hoped you wouldn't notice."

He looked angry. "I think I know you a little better than that, after all these years," he said. "What made you think you needed to pretend you had those feelings for my benefit? I'd rather you come to me of your own choice, because you want me, not because you feel like you owe me something!"

"How is that fair on you?" she said, her voice raised. "Not knowing if one day I'll wake up and not want anything to do with you. Having to repeat the same, endless information every day for twelve years."

"I already told you," he said. "I don't mind-"

"Oh, cut the crap," she said. "You must hate it. You must hate me sometimes."

"That's not true," he said angrily. "I never once, in all this time-"

"You deserve better," she said. "You deserve a normal, loving relationship. I thought I could give you that. I thought it was the perfect solution – or as perfect as it could be, considering the circumstances."

Drained, she perched on the edge of the pod, and Chakotay moved to crouch in front of her, pulling her hands away from her face.

"Kathryn," he said. "I told you the other day that I was happy."

"I don't remember," she said sadly. "I must not have written it down…"

"You don't need to," he said. "I tell you every day how happy I am to be with you. I tell you about our life together. You read your notebooks, but a lot of it used to come from me, too. When you came to me, it was because you had examined your feelings and realised it was what you wanted. Sometimes, yes, you found it impossible to reconcile what you read with your own feelings, but those days were in the minority, and we dealt with them when they came." He tugged her closer. "I know it seems almost ridiculous considering what happened," he said. "But we've had a wonderful life together. And if this works – which it will – it can only get better." He smiled, and ran his hands down her arms to clasp her hands.

"But you have to promise me you won't lie about your feelings to spare mine," he said. "I appreciate the gesture, but I'd rather you didn't come to me at all than come to me feeling uncomfortable, or frightened."

She nodded. "I'm sorry," she said, disengaging one of her hands from his to rest on his cheek. "I just wanted you to be happy."

"Just be yourself," he said. "And I will be. Oh, and Kathryn, " he said, smiling at her.

"Yes?" she asked, returning his smile.

"You don't have to do everything yourself in the morning," he said. "To be honest, I kind of miss our old talks over breakfast."

She chuckled. "Well, with any luck, we'll never need them again."

He grinned, and reached up to cup her face. His lips were a breath away from hers when the Doctor reappeared.

"Captain," he said urgently. "You'd better come over here and look at this. There's a discrepancy in your scans."

Kathryn headed over to the displays the Doctor stood in front of, Chakotay hot on her heels. The Doctor had two identical images of Kathryn's brain displayed on the panels.

"This image was taken a few minutes ago," said the Doctor, pointing to the first. "You can see the region where I eradicated the first cluster of parasites." He indicated the second image. "It’s gone in this image, as well."

"So?" said Kathryn.

"This scan was taken over twelve years ago," said the Doctor. "The cluster has disappeared from all the scans I’ve taken over the last twelve years. It's as if it never existed at all."

Kathryn stared at him. "By destroying the organisms in the present, we've neutralised them in the past," she said.

"Yes," said the Doctor. "We know they’re from another spatial domain. Apparently, they also exist outside of time. If we can eliminate all of the parasites, it’s possible your infection will never have occurred."

Just as Kathryn and Chakotay were considering the full impact of this statement, the ship rocked under weapons fire, the red alert klaxon wailing. Kathryn went to tap her combadge only to remember she didn't wear one any more. Tom's voice came over the comm. system.

"All senior officers report to the bridge!" he yelled. Chakotay crossed to a wall panel and tapped a button.

"Tom," he called. "What's happening?"

"Two Borg cubes just dropped out of warp, right on top of us," said Tom.

Chakotay turned to Kathryn, eyes wide, and they left Engineering at a run, heading for the nearest turbolift.

Halfway between Engineering and the Bridge, there was a massive jolt and their turbolift stopped suddenly.

“Lift, resume,” said Chakotay.

“Select destination,” said the computer.

“Bridge,” said Chakotay impatiently.

“That destination is unavailable.”

“Deck two, then,” said Chakotay, and lift started again.

“We'll just have to travel the last deck through the Jefferies' tubes,” he said to Kathryn, who nodded.

Arriving on deck two, they froze in horror, Chakotay colliding with Kathryn as she stopped dead in front of him.

Above them, emergency forcefields fizzled as they looked out onto the vista of open space. The neat edges of the gaping hole indicated that, unable to transport through Voyager's rotating shield harmonics, the Borg had simply cut into the command centre of the ship and tractored it away.

The bridge wasn't just unavailable. The bridge was gone.

“We have to get out of here,” said Chakotay. “If they have the bridge, then they'll soon be able to get through our shields.”

Kathryn swallowed around the lump of grief that had risen in her throat as she realised most of their friends had been on the Bridge, and forced herself to think about the matter at hand.

“We should go back to Engineering,” she said after a few moments thought. “We've got to finish the procedure.”

The turbolift journey seemed to take forever, and they raced into engineering to find the skeleton crew rushing between consoles, attempting to establish a new command centre.

Kathryn saw a grim-faced B'Elanna operating a console, and moved over to her, gripping her arm.

“B'Elanna,” she said quietly. “I'm so sorry -”

“We need to protect the crewmembers on the surface,” said B'Elanna abruptly.

“We've come down to finish the procedure,” said Janeway.

“We don't have time to worry about parasites right now,” said B'Elanna, moving to another console.

“That's not true,” said Janeway, and launched into an explanation of how the parasites had been destroyed in the older scans as well. B'Elanna paused in her frantic button-pushing to stare at Janeway.

“So, if we destroy the remaining parasites -”

“The last twelve years will never have happened,” finished Janeway.

B'Elanna looked stricken. “I'm sorry, Captain,” she said. “But the pod's been damaged.”

Janeway spun round to see that B'Elanna was right – the glass surface of the pod was smashed, the panels dark.

“Can you fix it?” said Chakotay.

“No,” said B'Elanna. “Or at least, not without studying it first. We'd need the Doctor, and he went offline in the last attack, I can't get him back online. Right now -” The ship jolted again.

“The Borg have lowered our shields!” called Ensign Ashmore.

“Didn’t the Doctor say that we could destroy the parasites with a subspace implosion?” said Kathryn.

“Yes,” said Chakotay warily.

“Can we create one?” said Kathryn, turning to B’Elanna.

“We’d have to overload the plasma injectors,” said B’Elanna. “That would send a feedback pulse through the reactor.”

“That’ll destroy the ship,” said Chakotay, alarmed.

“At this point, it won’t make much of a difference,” said Kathryn. She walked into the centre of the room.

“All of you,” she called to the handful of Engineering staff. “Get to the escape pods. Now.” If anything went wrong, at least they might have a chance at survival, somehow. The engineers left, leaving B’Elanna, Kathryn and Chakotay alone. Kathryn crossed to a status panel.

“Borg drones have beamed aboard,” she said.. “On decks five, six, seven – and eight.”

They were coming.

“B’Elanna,” said Kathryn. “Start the overload.”

B’Elanna tapped away at the panel, her frown deepening.

“The controls were damaged when the Borg attacked,” she said. “I’ll have to remove the failsafes on the injectors manually.”

Kathryn’s heart sunk. The manual controls were deep in the bowels of the ship, in an area now swarming with drones.

“It’s the only way,” said B’Elanna. “I can go through the Jefferies tubes. I can make it.”

Her eyes blazed, and Kathryn remembered that the Borg had just taken Tom. B’Elanna would probably take half of them out with her bare hands if it came to it.

She stepped forward, her expression sad, and grasped B’Elanna’s shoulders.

“Alright,” she said, before pulling B’Elanna into an embrace.

“Good luck,” she whispered, as B’Elanna pulled back. She watched, her heart aching, as B’Elanna hugged Chakotay, smiled grimly at them and tugged off the nearest hatch cover before sliding inside.

 

Kathryn turned away from the hatch.

“Well, now we wait,” she said.

Chakotay nodded silently.

“Are you okay?” she said, noting the dejected slump to his shoulders.

He sighed. “It’s just strange to think that soon, this timeline will never have happened. We’ll go back to just being the Captain and First Officer of Voyager again. I know we won’t know any differently, but – still. After twelve years here, I just –“ He moved away from her and walked around, resting a hand on the ruined pod.

“It’s my fault we ended up here,” he said eventually. “My fault we were never able to resume course for the Alpha Quadrant.”

“What do you mean?” said Kathryn, coming up beside him.

“I gave the order to turn back, in the Transwarp corridor,” he said. “We should have kept going.”

“You obviously thought the risk was too great,” said Kathryn.

“I did, at the time,” said Chakotay. “But you would have kept going.”

“Perhaps,” she said. “But eliminating the parasites will change all of that. Who knows – things might be different this time.”

“There’s something else I need to tell you,” he said. “Your PADD, with all the information on, that you created to look at in the morning – that wasn’t the first time you’d made one.” He looked at her sadly.

“Every time you made the PADD you recorded a message to yourself, making sure you went along with our relationship for my sake. It always changed things between us. Our relationship became strained and artificial. You would behave a certain way towards me because that’s what you thought I was expecting. You felt guilty for the length of time we’d been there, and that I could remember but you couldn’t. Eventually, we'd have the same discussion as we had earlier, and you'd agree to get rid of it. Of course, you’d soon think of the idea again.”

Kathryn lifted her chin. “This time, we won’t need it,” she said, her voice certain.

“I should have told you at the time,” he said, sounding ashamed. Kathryn cupped his cheek.

“I understand why you didn’t,” she said. The corner of his mouth quirked up in a smile, but as he leaned closer to her, the doors to engineering opened and several drones marched in.

Chakotay instinctively moved in front of Kathryn, whose eyes flicked towards the panel. The injector monitor still flashed green.

“Come on, B'Elanna,” she whispered.

The drones advanced on them, and Chakotay pulled his phaser. One strike, and the first drone stumbled. Chakotay and Kathryn ducked behind the pod. If Kathryn was assimilated before the parasites were destroyed, they could spread into the Collective. The only way to then destroy them would be to destroy the entire hive mind, which was an impossible task.

Chakotay fired again, but the drone didn’t even stagger.

“They’ve compensated,” he said, throwing the now-useless phaser aside.

A beeping sound made Kathryn whip her head round. The injector monitor was now flashing red. An overload was imminent.

“She’s done it!” Kathryn hissed to Chakotay. He turned around and wrapped his arms around her.

“Listen,” he said insistently, as the drones advanced. “These past twelve years have been incredible. Despite everything, I've been truly happy, and it's because of you. I want you to believe that.”

“I do,” she said. “And what you’ve done for me – it means more to me than you’ll ever know.”

He pulled her into his arms, cradling her head to his shoulder.

“Kathryn,” he said hoarsely. “In case I never get the chance to say it again, I love you. I love you so much-"

He stiffened suddenly in her arms, hissing in air through his teeth, and Kathryn pulled back, fear almost choking her.

Silent, a drone had come up behind him and plunged its tubules into his neck. Chakotay slumped, and unable to support his weight, she buckled to her knees beside him as he fell.

“Chakotay!” she called, tilting his face towards her. His face was a mask of terror and agony as implants began to burst through his flesh.

“Chakotay, I’m here," she said. "It’s going to be alright-“

Kathryn screamed as tubules pierced her artery, nanoprobes coursing immediately into her bloodstream. She collapsed to the deck next to Chakotay, and while her mind was still her own, reached out to grasp his hand.

In the last instant before oblivion, she heard a deafening roar, and her vision turned black.

 

* * *

 

Janeway groaned as she cracked open her eyes. Everything hurt, but most of all her head, which was throbbing fit to burst.

She felt the hiss of a hypospray against her neck and relaxed slightly as the pain began to recede.

"Captain," said the Doctor. "How do you feel?"

"Like I got hit by a shuttle," she said. "The ship – the anomalies – was anyone else hurt?" She made to get up but Chakotay’s gentle hand on her shoulder pushed her back down.

"No one else was hurt,” he said softly. “We’ve cleared the anomalies. There’s minor damage to the starboard nacelle, but B’Elanna says repairs should be complete within an hour or two.”

Janeway nodded, relieved. “How’s your leg?” she said to him.

“It’s fine,” said Chakotay. “Good as new.” He regarded her seriously for a moment.

“What?” said Janeway, noticing his expression.

“You could have been seriously injured,” he said. “I told you to leave me behind.”

Janeway huffed out a tired laugh. “Fortunately, I don’t take orders from you,” she said, letting her eyes drift shut.

The Doctor bustled over.

“You suffered a mild concussion,” he said to Janeway. “I’d like to keep you overnight for observation.”

It was a sign of how tired she was that Janeway didn’t argue, just nodded sleepily. Chakotay squeezed her hand before leaving her to rest.

“Chakotay”? she said sleepily as he reached the doors.

“Yes?” he said, turning.

“We need to look at those scans later,” she said, slurring. “I still think they could be Transwarp hubs. Could be a way home.” She tailed off, and Chakotay realized she’d fallen asleep mid-sentence.

“Could be, Kathryn,” he said quietly, watching her chest rise and fall with her breaths before leaving sickbay and returning to his own quarters, relief leaving him exhausted. Once again she’d beat the odds.

But then again, he considered, Kathryn Janeway always did.

 

* * *

 

  
**Epilogue**   


 

Chakotay paused in his work to take a long drink of iced tea. The day had become hot, and he was glad for the shade the trees provided.

Placing the stone back into its numbered container, he twisted in his seat, stretching, until he spotted a figure seated underneath one of the trees.

Grinning, he stood and crept towards her, until he was crouched inches away from her. The woman, engrossed in her writing, didn't notice him.

"Well hello there," he said, and Kathryn's head jerked up.

"How many times have I told you not to sneak up on me like that?" she said, mock-frowning.

"You're one to talk," he said. "I didn't even hear you come outside." Leaning forward, he tugged gently at the notebook until she released it, and laid it on the ground beside her. He shifted until he was sitting next to her, his back against the tree trunk, and wrapped his arms around her waist.

"I was writing," she protested, but let him pull her close.

"Can't it wait?" he said.

"I suppose," she replied.

"Writing your journals?"

"Yes," she said. "I guess all those years of keeping the Captain's log wore off on me."

"Why handwrite them, though?"

"I don't know," she said, stroking a hand over the surface of the notebook. "It's just nice to have. Nice to read back over the times we've shared. It's more personal this way, somehow. Feels like I'm leaving a little bit of myself in there, not just text on some PADD."

He nodded. "A lot of good memories," he murmured.

"Yep," said Kathryn, letting her eyes drift shut.

"Know what today is?" Chakotay said, his cheek resting against her hair.

"Mmmhmm," she said. "The anniversary of our homecoming."

"And we wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you," he said.

"Nonsense," said Kathryn, twisting to look at him. "You say that every year. You'd have gotten them home."

"I don't know," said Chakotay, smiling at her. "I'm not sure I'd have kept my nerve. I'd probably have turned back. But you just kept going through those tunnels." He twined his fingers with hers.

"There were a few moments when even I had my doubts," admitted Kathryn. "I thought the ship might fly apart at one point. But we made it through." She snuggled back into his embrace.

"We did," he said happily, his fingers stroking over the cool surface of her wedding band. "We made it."


End file.
